I don't do feelings.  Ironic, considering my profession.  Let me rephrase.  I do other people's feelings.  Not my own. 

This isn't meant to air dirty laundry.  But I'll be honest in quoting my sister on my past relationship…"Lizzie…you sure know how to pick 'em".  Indeed.  So to my exes, please form a group, names are as follows in alphabetical order- ha.  I'm not that vindictive.  Or bitter.  But if/when my book ever comes out I will send you a nice little check with some royalties for all the time, pain, and agony from our first meeting to the current state of things. 

In all fairness it takes two people to be in a relationship. Those who know me, and know me well, certainly know I am no candidate for sainthood.  I've been called an array of colorful names, some true, some uncalled for.  But I know I've also done my share of name calling.  Touche.

I digress. Trying to separate the "who did" from the "who didn't" is like trying to get all the dirt out of a glob of peanut butter you dropped on the ground at a picnic.  Don't try to eat it dumbass (excusez-moi).  But you can't just leave it there…you'll end up with a hoard of ants or hungry bears.  Yes, bears!  In Piedmont Park.  Or Cane Creek.  Hardin Park.  Anyhow, it's relative, work with me here.  Create a mental picture.  Or draw one.  Moral of the story: you have to find some way to sort of clean up the mess.  That's where the personal responsibility comes in. 

See, I'm an INTJ.  I like some semblance of structure (messy room not withstanding).  At the end of a relationship it involves some sort of closure.  I was posed the question recently from a friend on how to find closure on a relationship when you're the one not ready to close but the other person is long gone?  Or if you're suddenly blindsided, through any myriad of tragic or sudden circumstance, and you're forced to face closure (gasp) alone?

Being so incessantly [not] into pop-culture psychology (Puh-leaze Dr. Phil- what are you really a doctor of…?) I had refused to read the sensational book written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo (writers of Sex and the City): "He's Just Not That Into You".  I had scoffed at this trendy book read by silly sorority girls during British Lit. lectures. But you know what?  It was good.  Really good. 

People joke about being a therapist as just telling people common sense.  True.  It is basically that on many levels.  But when you can find someone who is solidly grounded in common sense, please let me know.  We all go a little crazy sometimes.  Some, a great deal more than others. 

In this respect I have learned that I have this great blessing called potential vision.  It's also a curse when it comes to dating.  I am energized to meet people and think of their positive attributes and what they can, potentially, become, instead of embracing them "as is".  (I mean really, obviously, as perfect as I am, don't I expect the same thing from others?  Double standard, I know).  And if that's a problem as far as dating is concerned…I probably shouldn't be dating to begin with.  Enough self-disclosure.

This is where I now can understand and even empathize with some of the following "pearls of wisdom" offered from the book.  I even admit to be guilty- on the giving or receiving end- of several.  I share these not all endorsing the explicit nature but in general, for all my lady friends, woman to woman. Please, let me share:

Cut your losses and don't waste your time .  Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it?  Fine.  Here's the answer you're looking for, "Hang in there, baby.  He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is.  If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!"  But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.

He is a man made up entirely of your excuses.  And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women.  We (men) like not knowing if we can catch you.  We feel rewarded when we do.

Don't let the "honeys" and the "babys" fool you.  His sweet nothings are exactly that.  They are much easier to say than "I'm just not that into you."  Remember, actions speak louder than, "There's no cell reception where I am right now."

Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust.  If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby.  And it's cold outside.

He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you.  He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the far greater expectations of a boyfriend.  He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to.  He may be one of your closest friends, but I'm sorry to say ... as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you.

Beware of the word "friend".  It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior.  Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.

I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone.  I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone.  I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved.  I want to be involved.  I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.

You can't blame a guy for having feelings.  You love someone, you break up, you still have feeling.  Thank God for that really. 

Every man you have ever dated who has said he doesn't want to get married or doesn't believe in marriage, or has "issues" with marriage, will ... rest assured ... someday be married.  It just will never be with you.

Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us.  I understand.  What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn't want you in his life anymore ... his sad, wistful, "I miss you so much" voice on the other end of the phone?  It's validating.  It's exciting.  It's irresistible.  But resist you must.

My friends all say I should stop talking to him, but I think he misses me, and I like that.  I miss him.  I feel if I stay in touch with him, it will remind him of how great I am, and eventually he will realize that we should be together again.

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves.  If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. 

Don't be flattered that he misses you.  He should miss you.  You're deeply missable. same person who just broke up with you.  Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you. However, he's still the

For the record, this guy doesn't "like you so much that he can't stop being around you."  Because here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: they don't break up with you.  This guy is seriously not into you, it's crazy.  The only way you're going to figure out how into you you are ... is how fast you get rid of him.

It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined.  Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less.  These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.

Don't underestimate the power of sex, even with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time.  Especially with someone you've been doing it with for a very long time.  Breaking up means not seeing them again, which also implies not seeing them naked again.  It might be tempting to forget this pearl of wisdom, but just remember, it's still called breakup sex.  No one has yet to rename it oh-my-god-the-sex-was-so-good-we-got-back-together-again-and-lived-happily-ever-after sex.

He's sniffing for something better, and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes "home."  It's not that he's so into you.  It's that he's so not into being alone.  Don't give him the chance to break up with you for the fourth time.  (Even the idea of it sounds beneath you, doesn't it?)  Reset your breakup maximum to one and move on.

Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision.  Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

Don't confuse being classy with being a doormat.  Classy is walking away with your head held high, graciously, and with all dignity.  Being a doormat is offering to drive him to the dentist for his root canal.

Breakups, I've heard, are supposed to be just that.  Breaks.  Hard, clean breaks.  No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself.  The relationship is over.  Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me.  You're not supposed to sleep with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago.  Fine.  Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry.  Stay in bed and wail.  Go to the gym if I can.  Call all my friends and burden them with my misery.  Sleep too much.  Cry some more.  See my therapist more often.  Get a puppy.  Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on.

Cut him off.  Let him miss you.

He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.

There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.  The hard part is realizing that he was lying to you, in some way, before the moment of vanishing.

Don't give him the chance to reject you again.

No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks.  I get it, I get it, I get it.  But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.